Newsflash: Steven Segal is Not Asian

Dear Hollywood Movie Makers,

Steven Segal is not Asian. He just wishes he was. I have a hard time understanding why you kept casting him as a man that really wishes he was Asian in a role that could just be be played by a real Asian man? Segal plays the same character in every movie, a quiet timid, non-threatening characters that display a lack of emotional range and that can pull out a can of whoops as as needed. I know someone just like that- I call him "Dad." He's whooped my ass plenty of times and he doesn't have to squint his eyes to look Asian. My Dad is 100% Asian. I bet a large majority of my Asian brothers and sisters just read that character description and also thought of their Dads. Again, why cast someone who wants to be, when you can cast someone that already is? It's f*cking insulting. And the majority of us do not age poorly. You can get many years out of us. I cannot say the same for Mr. Segal. Sorry dude. You're really not looking too good these days, but did you really ever? Those wrinkles in your forehead that appear to be very permanent? That's from all the years of forced eye squinting. You made your bed, now lay in it.

Sincerely,

Quiet Asian Man

P.S. Segal, that ponytail's really got to go.

See No Asians

Dear Creators of NCIS and NCIS: Los Angeles,

Where are my sexy Asian brothers? Ok, you don't really need more than one, but come on- at least one. For a while you had that one Asian woman, but she only lasted a few episodes. And she is not a he. Law and Order SVU has B.D. Wong. Where is your B.D. Wong, huh? Where the hell is he? Are you afraid that he'd be too damn good at his job? That he could do the work of 3 other agents, plus the janitor and thus eliminating the need for multiple characters? Does the fact that he could be the nerdy and sexy guy intimidate you? I think you're looking at a real budget saver here- he could be the sexy nerd, thus eliminating the need for a good looking guy and a nerd. And he'd be really good as an undercover agent- he could be a dry cleaner, work a fruit stand, deliver take out, or even be a doctor... You get like three for the price of one- one sexy Asian man that is. Just think about it- that's all I'm asking. Oh yeah and make sure that he is in fact a sexy Asian man. Don't half-ass it.

Signed,

Quiet Asian Man

The Only Thing to Fear is Asians

Dear Creators of Fear Factor,
For a show that challenges people to do outrageous stunts and eat outrageous things, you seem to be unable to take the challenge of having an asian contestant on your show. I mean isn't it bad enough we aren't on TV much but to deny every asian person the chance to compete (and most likely WIN) and eat delicious food is proof the "fear" exist with your casting directors. OK.. so what if most of the stuff on the eating challenge is shit we eat every now and then... we still have the competitions that involve physical activity. I mean come on, don't you know asians aren't good at sports. Like Ichiro or Pacquiao.. Anyway, Fear Factor, go to hell, at least we still have Ninja Warrior.

Sincerely,
Quiet Asian Man

PS - Balut is pretty damn good.

Better Ruck Next Time

Dear Cast of Better Luck Tomorrow,
Terrible.
Thanks for nothing.

Sincerely,
Quiet Asian Man

Yeah.. we're still good at math

"The fourth- and eighth-graders who were part of the mathematics testing have improved their average scores compared with their European counterparts, but they still lag behind their Asian peers in China, Hong Kong, Japan, Korea and Singapore." (fuck yeah...)

Via.. CNN

He Got Game

Dear Will Smith,
I'll be honest.. I never finished watching your movie Hitch. But from the parts I caught, the viewers are to believe you can get any, and I repeat... ANY man the girl of his dreams. Oh really? Where were my asian brothers son? Oh wait, that's right.. he was that dude behind the counter selling newspapers and gum. In the risk of ruining your Millionaire Matchmaker-like stats of getting dorky dudes hot chicks... you avoided your biggest, most groundbreaking challenge yet... hooking up my boys on Team Yellow. And another thing to mention.. where the hell were the black women? I came in looking for some nice chocolate deluxe or asian hunnies and all I got was some dorky white dude scoring with an asian chick. Yeah, we don't see that everyday..... Going back to the double chocolate girls.. seriously Wil... what's with that? For once I would like to see a nice black girl not in a Tyler Perry film.

Sincerely,
Quiet Asian Man

We Live to Serve!

That's Going to Ruin My Date Tonight

Dear Ken Jeong,
Your role in the Hangover may have seemed like a ball of laughs but you just gave more ammo to the belief that asian dudes are.. how do I say this... not big. Let's not even go into the character's masculinity. Anyway, your brief frontal nude scene wasn't brief enough and anyone not trained in the art of locating microscopic things might be under the impression you were going mangina "Silence of the Lambs" style. Come on man... couldn't you have use that same "ting ting" Mark Walberg used in Boogie Nights? That was like a whole other character in the movie. When I first saw the film, I thought I might of accidentally walked in the theater playing "Anaconda 2". Thanks dude. Really. I better tell my parents I will be coming home after my date tonight.

Sincerely,
Quiet Asian Man

Pandas will have more sex than Asian males...

This NYT Article sets back Asian Male Masculinity...oh about 500 years. Thanks NYT- it's going to take us another 500 just to be able to look at women in the eyes again.

Signed,

Quiet Asian Man

This isn't helping...

Really? There's a rule?

So Funny...

Yet so so wong.

Kickin' It.. But Not with the Ladies

Dear Jackie Chan,
I saw your movie The Tuxedo and I was highly disappointed. Jennifer Love Hewitt was giving that shit up big time and you wussed out. Come to think of it. Have you ever made out with a chick on film? Dude, you're killin' me here. I mean this is the girl who let the wussiest white dude (Jamie Kennedy) check out the goods and you passed on it. Dammit, you just pushed asian male masculinity back 500 years.

Sincerely,
Quiet Asian Man

PS. - Stop playing characters half your age.

The Lo Pan Fumble

Dear James Hong,

You're not a terrible attractive man, but I do appreciate your ability to play kick ass characters like Lo Pan. However, I cannot look the fact that Lo Pan couldn't even bag the drugged up Kim Cattrall. That chick bangs anything. It was in the bag dude- in the bag! Come to think of it, have you ever landed any chick in any movie? *sigh* Way to f*ck it up Mr. Hong.
Signed,
Quiet Asian Man

P.S. You might want to work on that accent. You've been in the business long enough not to have the accent. Just disappointment after disappointment with you isn't it?

Sesame Street's Resident Grocer

Dear Sesame Street,
Seriously man, WTF. Grocer? The only thing that could of made this worse is if you made him Sesame Street's resident Dry Cleaner or Street Salesman selling bootleg DVDs. Are we suppose to just say.. "Ooohh tank Yuuuu... Tank Yuuuuuu. That's so wong. Speaking of wong. Why didn't you hired someone hotter.. like Russell Wong. The dude needs work and we can't wait any longer for Vanishing Son Part V.

Sincerely,
Quiet Asian Man