This isn't helping... Part 2

Wow... thanks for putting more fuel to the fire.... bitch....

In honor of Christmas!

Asians definitely do it better. This dude just owned Mariah!

For the last time, It's not my kid

Damn this kid is talented. Ever notice a lot of the videos of musical prodigies are all asian kids. Anyone remember this one? This next kid was considered the worst guitar player at his asian school....

Here are some comments people made to explain why some asians are so good at music....


This isn't an Asian boy, it's actually two Asian midgets in a robot designed to look like a boy. That's just how fuckin advanced they are.


Asians are machines, programed to be perfect at all and thats why they make no expretions and have no soul lol jk, but damm that cool


lol its impossible to find an asian that sucks at an instrument. :P


the FIRST worst asian??? God damn!!!!! I NEED TO GET AHOLD OF AN ASIAN...... *Looks down* >:D


I'm not racist or stereotypical but how do the Asians manage to succeed at everything??

It Looks Nothing Like Him

Here's that kid from UP.

This is Exactly How I Am in the Car

WE MADE IT TO PRIMETIME!

Dear Steven Seagal,
Thank you for taking the opportunity to give an asian man a shot at primetime by allowing us to be featured on your new A&E reality series, Lawman. I can't tell you how honored I was to see an asian dude being used as a tackling buddy in your self defense course. Oh and he didn't have any speaking lines, even more awesome. But maybe I'm wrong. I seem to forget you ARE asian and practice martial arts (let's be honest, he's pretty much more asian than any dude I know). I mean you did remind us every 2 mins during the show that you are a student of the asian arts. So I guess you're asian...


But I have to give you props for the shoutout to the dude who recruited you. Who was it again? Sammo Hung?


Sincerely,
Quiet Asian Man

I'm UP with this shit!

Dear Pixar,
I recently saw your movie UP (on bootleg of course... my asian people sell that shit on the streets of Chinatown for $5 bucks). Anyway, like all your movies, I enjoyed that shit. For real son. That asian kid you casted as the boy scout was mad tight yo. That kid got real talent, like Short Round from Indiana Jones and the Goonies. Not only that, you also took the risk of making his mom a single parent, thus avoiding the stereotype that asian parents stick even if they f-ckin' hate each others guts. Nice. That's progress.

But why'd you make him fat? Asian kids are mad thin and shit. (see second picture) And for real, we don't play went it comes to saving the day. Why do you think asians are never in horror movies? Seriously, put an asian guy in a horror movie and we would figure that shit out in a sec(there's probably some math equation for it). There won't be any separating to search for the killer. No sir. No one bullet knock down. We double tap (to the head) to make sure that dude stays down. And teamwork... please.. we invented that shit. We seriously redefined the term "taking it for the team". There won't be any arguing for who's in charge. Just plan old efficiency. Kinda like Germans, without all that kinky sex shit. And as for the final battle with the killer. None of this one-on-one bullshit. Ever wonder why no one fights an asian dude? It's cause we know martial arts. OK, that's half true... it's cause the second you even touch an asian dude.. a million of his closest friends will come out of nowhere and jump you. I can't even explain it, it's true. It's like the Thundercats call or something. Millions of asians would stop what they are doing(dry cleaning, accounting, running a fruits and vegetable stand, medical related shit) and just instinctively go to help. Killers or criminal masterminds wouldn't even have a chance. Oh and that bird in the movie UP... the asian kid would of eaten it.

Sincerely,
Quiet Asian Man

Look! We rap now!

Actually, this is pretty damn good.

What does The Wizard of Oz and Falcon Heene have in common?

Dear Falcon Heene,
The other night, my friend asked me, "dude, do you watch Community?" I replied, "I DVR'd it and haven't had the chance". She then said, "Ken Jeong is awesome in it."

I then thought, "wow, things are coming up yellow... John Cho in that ABC show.... that Eurasian stud on Three Rivers.. Ken Jeong on Community... what can possibly go wrong...."

BREAKING NEWS!! Boy missing in balloon accident... (my reaction in slo-mo) "Noooooooooooooo"

Like all of America (and the world), I was worried. This was more tragic than when Timmy O'Toole fell down the well in Springfield...   BUT, like that one, it was a scam.

So FALCON, if you're gonna fabricate a story to help out the family, you need to stick with the plan. Way to go WIZARD....



CRINGE..

Thanks.

Sincerely,
Quiet Asian Man

That Was Cold..

Dear Producers of the movie Eight Below,
Thank you for taking such an amazing true story about a 1958 Japanese expedition in Antarctica and totally rewriting it with ZERO japanese characters. Last I checked, Japanese guys did not have blue eyes nor look anything like Paul Walker. I mean seriously... this is like me deciding I want to remake the movie The Color Purple with no black people. So I thought about it. I think I want to make a movie about the 1992 USA Dream Team with the tagline, based on a true story but make it about the Japanese Olympic Basketball team dominating in the Olympics to bring home the gold medal. That would be so hot.

Sincerely,
Quiet Asian Man

The Role of Jon Will No Longer Be Played By Jon

Dear TLC,
I can't tell you how much I've cried since(for like days.. although it was announced like an hour ago) I heard Jon Gosselin was being dropped from HIS show Jon and Kate Plus 8. I mean seriously? How do you lose your job of playing YOU. This is like Webster losing the role of Webster. Darth Vader losing the role of Darth Vader.. you get the point. And to top it all off, Jon is half asian (korean). Maybe mainstream American isn't ready for an asian guy wearing Ed Hardy t-shirts. Maybe they aren't ready for an asian man being a slut and sleeping around with every chick he sees (I actually idolizes him for that.. my man!)  Instead, America has spoken and Kate will now star in her very own reality TV show.. Stargate... oh wait, that's the nickname of her vagina... But man... People just can't handle progress. That's really what it is. Asian guys use to "stick around" even when their wives were whores, or when they treated them like shit. Hell, even if an asian guy's wife stabbed him, we would of stuck around. But not anymore.. Jon is like our Rosa Parks. He said, "Fuck that bitch! I'm leaving... Time to dip my cookie in some milk!" And now, the Montgomery Bus System(ahem) I mean TLC is putting him down. That's progress for ya.

Sincerely,
Quiet Asian Man

Yes, Why IS it?

Oh yeah! We love Vera!

Oh snap... do my eyes deceive me? Team Yellow shoots... he scores!!! Definitely check out the film Never Forever cause Vera Farmiga totally gets with this dude. I think Vera just shot up to the top of the charts with this role. Move over Lauren Holly.

Anyway, in short, this movie is about Vera cheating on her husband and exploring the erotic, amazingly sexy, best thing you ever had love from some Korean dude. (oh and there's nudity) Just to confirm it really happened... they do it a lot more.

You see that ladies... GET WITH THIS!

Nooo, Bob... Not My Barack!

Dear President Obama,
While hanging laundry one night.. yes, cause that's when Jimmy Kimmel was on... I heard something I didn't expect to hear from my Barack. When I heard, I collapsed on the floor and sobbed like a baby on my backyard's freshly cut grass. At the moment Egg Shen runs in the yard and embraces me as I cry out.. "NOT MY BARACK..... WHY EGG.. NOT BARACK...."

Then I realized.. it's like that scene in La Bamba.



Sincerely,
Quiet Asian Man

I Thought THIS Was So 2 Years Ago!

Dear Katherine Heigl,
I'm guessing this TREND is still going on. Really? I thought we were done with this shit when Jolie stopped. Does she match your outfits? I mean I guess every kid should have a parent but man... remember when you can just walk down the street and adopt a kid from a local orphanage? You know like, pick one filthy kid from a cast of dozens, take that street rat home, and maybe... just maybe he'll get a job at an aquarium and rescue a killer whale. That shit. Nooooow everyone wants an Africaaaaan Baby.. or an Asiaaaaan baby. Let me just tell you this.... babies of other colors can also become nurses, engineers, doctors, or accountants. Oh and that honor crap.. that's bullshit. If you really wanted an asian baby to spend money on, to hug and caress, to take a bath with without the hubby....and breast feed.... I know somebody willing to play "yellow baby" baby! (how you doin!) I'm into the kinky shit!

So yeah, consider that offer. (riff raff, street rat.. I don't buy that.. if only they'd look closer.. would they see a poor boy... no sirrie..) Great, now you got me singing.

Sincerely,
Quiet Asian Man

Eurasian? How about ALL Asian?

Dear Hollywood,

I am a frequent traveller of the New York City Subway system. Because it's always SO timely, I have quiet a bit of time to check out the new billboards on the walls at and I noticed an ad for a new medical drama (because there aren't enough of those out there) featuring three individuals- a white male, a white female and HOLY CRAP IS THAT AN ASIAN MAN? Not quite. I went home and did a little research and it turns out he's only half. Mr. Daniel Henny is only half Korean. Basically show stars two and a half white people. And not to knock Mr. Henny's looks, because he is a handsome man no doubt, but when is Hollywood finally going to take that leap of faith and let one of my fine looking 100% Asian brothers other than Hollywood's sweetheart John Cho star in one of your TV shows? When I ask? When?

Regards,

Quiet Asian Man

Yeah... this is accurate..

Dear Mickey Rooney,
I'm sure you got enough flak for this role in Breakfast at Tiffany's. Seriously man.. you could of at least made Mr. Yunioshi a lot more sexier....

Sincerely,
Quiet Asian Man

The Times They Are A Changin'

Dear Deborah Gibson,
Words cannot describe the joy I have felt when I saw your career defining film Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus. Let me just say your role was groundbreaking along the lines of Guess Who's Coming to Dinner. I mean seriously, how often does an asian brother get the opportunity to hook up with a beautiful blonde. This was like Monsters Ball groundbreaking.

Anyway this incident should teach us all that only good can come from this jungle fever-like hookup. I mean, if you didn't bang that dude in the closet, you probably would of never come to formulate such an awesome plan to save the world. Anyway, keep doing what you do and hopefully that gold statue will show up on your mantle.

Sincerely,
Quiet Asian Man

That's Right! Date an Asian!

Date an Asian from Jen Kwok on Vimeo.

Oh snap!

Once again, our favorite non-asian gets his own show. Say what??

Ladies! GET WITH THIS!

Everything in this video screams sexy!

Newsflash: Steven Segal is Not Asian

Dear Hollywood Movie Makers,

Steven Segal is not Asian. He just wishes he was. I have a hard time understanding why you kept casting him as a man that really wishes he was Asian in a role that could just be be played by a real Asian man? Segal plays the same character in every movie, a quiet timid, non-threatening characters that display a lack of emotional range and that can pull out a can of whoops as as needed. I know someone just like that- I call him "Dad." He's whooped my ass plenty of times and he doesn't have to squint his eyes to look Asian. My Dad is 100% Asian. I bet a large majority of my Asian brothers and sisters just read that character description and also thought of their Dads. Again, why cast someone who wants to be, when you can cast someone that already is? It's f*cking insulting. And the majority of us do not age poorly. You can get many years out of us. I cannot say the same for Mr. Segal. Sorry dude. You're really not looking too good these days, but did you really ever? Those wrinkles in your forehead that appear to be very permanent? That's from all the years of forced eye squinting. You made your bed, now lay in it.

Sincerely,

Quiet Asian Man

P.S. Segal, that ponytail's really got to go.

See No Asians

Dear Creators of NCIS and NCIS: Los Angeles,

Where are my sexy Asian brothers? Ok, you don't really need more than one, but come on- at least one. For a while you had that one Asian woman, but she only lasted a few episodes. And she is not a he. Law and Order SVU has B.D. Wong. Where is your B.D. Wong, huh? Where the hell is he? Are you afraid that he'd be too damn good at his job? That he could do the work of 3 other agents, plus the janitor and thus eliminating the need for multiple characters? Does the fact that he could be the nerdy and sexy guy intimidate you? I think you're looking at a real budget saver here- he could be the sexy nerd, thus eliminating the need for a good looking guy and a nerd. And he'd be really good as an undercover agent- he could be a dry cleaner, work a fruit stand, deliver take out, or even be a doctor... You get like three for the price of one- one sexy Asian man that is. Just think about it- that's all I'm asking. Oh yeah and make sure that he is in fact a sexy Asian man. Don't half-ass it.

Signed,

Quiet Asian Man

The Only Thing to Fear is Asians

Dear Creators of Fear Factor,
For a show that challenges people to do outrageous stunts and eat outrageous things, you seem to be unable to take the challenge of having an asian contestant on your show. I mean isn't it bad enough we aren't on TV much but to deny every asian person the chance to compete (and most likely WIN) and eat delicious food is proof the "fear" exist with your casting directors. OK.. so what if most of the stuff on the eating challenge is shit we eat every now and then... we still have the competitions that involve physical activity. I mean come on, don't you know asians aren't good at sports. Like Ichiro or Pacquiao.. Anyway, Fear Factor, go to hell, at least we still have Ninja Warrior.

Sincerely,
Quiet Asian Man

PS - Balut is pretty damn good.

Better Ruck Next Time

Dear Cast of Better Luck Tomorrow,
Terrible.
Thanks for nothing.

Sincerely,
Quiet Asian Man

Yeah.. we're still good at math

"The fourth- and eighth-graders who were part of the mathematics testing have improved their average scores compared with their European counterparts, but they still lag behind their Asian peers in China, Hong Kong, Japan, Korea and Singapore." (fuck yeah...)

Via.. CNN

He Got Game

Dear Will Smith,
I'll be honest.. I never finished watching your movie Hitch. But from the parts I caught, the viewers are to believe you can get any, and I repeat... ANY man the girl of his dreams. Oh really? Where were my asian brothers son? Oh wait, that's right.. he was that dude behind the counter selling newspapers and gum. In the risk of ruining your Millionaire Matchmaker-like stats of getting dorky dudes hot chicks... you avoided your biggest, most groundbreaking challenge yet... hooking up my boys on Team Yellow. And another thing to mention.. where the hell were the black women? I came in looking for some nice chocolate deluxe or asian hunnies and all I got was some dorky white dude scoring with an asian chick. Yeah, we don't see that everyday..... Going back to the double chocolate girls.. seriously Wil... what's with that? For once I would like to see a nice black girl not in a Tyler Perry film.

Sincerely,
Quiet Asian Man

We Live to Serve!

That's Going to Ruin My Date Tonight

Dear Ken Jeong,
Your role in the Hangover may have seemed like a ball of laughs but you just gave more ammo to the belief that asian dudes are.. how do I say this... not big. Let's not even go into the character's masculinity. Anyway, your brief frontal nude scene wasn't brief enough and anyone not trained in the art of locating microscopic things might be under the impression you were going mangina "Silence of the Lambs" style. Come on man... couldn't you have use that same "ting ting" Mark Walberg used in Boogie Nights? That was like a whole other character in the movie. When I first saw the film, I thought I might of accidentally walked in the theater playing "Anaconda 2". Thanks dude. Really. I better tell my parents I will be coming home after my date tonight.

Sincerely,
Quiet Asian Man

Pandas will have more sex than Asian males...

This NYT Article sets back Asian Male Masculinity...oh about 500 years. Thanks NYT- it's going to take us another 500 just to be able to look at women in the eyes again.

Signed,

Quiet Asian Man

This isn't helping...

Really? There's a rule?

So Funny...

Yet so so wong.

Kickin' It.. But Not with the Ladies

Dear Jackie Chan,
I saw your movie The Tuxedo and I was highly disappointed. Jennifer Love Hewitt was giving that shit up big time and you wussed out. Come to think of it. Have you ever made out with a chick on film? Dude, you're killin' me here. I mean this is the girl who let the wussiest white dude (Jamie Kennedy) check out the goods and you passed on it. Dammit, you just pushed asian male masculinity back 500 years.

Sincerely,
Quiet Asian Man

PS. - Stop playing characters half your age.

The Lo Pan Fumble

Dear James Hong,

You're not a terrible attractive man, but I do appreciate your ability to play kick ass characters like Lo Pan. However, I cannot look the fact that Lo Pan couldn't even bag the drugged up Kim Cattrall. That chick bangs anything. It was in the bag dude- in the bag! Come to think of it, have you ever landed any chick in any movie? *sigh* Way to f*ck it up Mr. Hong.
Signed,
Quiet Asian Man

P.S. You might want to work on that accent. You've been in the business long enough not to have the accent. Just disappointment after disappointment with you isn't it?

Sesame Street's Resident Grocer

Dear Sesame Street,
Seriously man, WTF. Grocer? The only thing that could of made this worse is if you made him Sesame Street's resident Dry Cleaner or Street Salesman selling bootleg DVDs. Are we suppose to just say.. "Ooohh tank Yuuuu... Tank Yuuuuuu. That's so wong. Speaking of wong. Why didn't you hired someone hotter.. like Russell Wong. The dude needs work and we can't wait any longer for Vanishing Son Part V.

Sincerely,
Quiet Asian Man